The truth is in 2015 I re-relaxed my hair to make another happy. I know, I know, what was I thinking? I thought maybe this would make things better, maybe it would erase the pain, maybe I’d be enough. Let me tell you this if you’re not enough from day one you’ll never be enough! Tough but it’s the truth!
Let’s rewind to 2012 when my relaxed hair started to break in random places. It was the weirdest thing but now I am pretty confident it was due to stress. I never thought of myself as a “stressed” person but stress rears its head in various ways. After thinking long and hard I decided to big chop! I was ready thinking yeah I’ve been there, done that Cisa let’s do it (My 1st bog chop was in 2007 and the featured image above is when I modeled for metropop magazine and my image was printed in the magazine).
I jumped and landed myself deep in what I didn’t know then was the beginning of the end. The end of me fighting for attention, fighting for acceptance, and fighting for what was never really mine. Prior to the end is a moment in time I will never forget. It’s true you can forgive but never forget some life-changing moments and this is one of those.
It was a much needed time of reconnection and fellowship with friends who had become family. The room was filled with love, laughter, and priceless moments. But this one moment shattered my confidence in a way I never could have imagined. My confidence was high after just big chopping and feeling naturally free as can be! Then one question answered thew my confidence in my newly twa (teenie weenie afro) straight out the window. The words uttered “it looks hideous” made the room stop, my heart drop, tears freeze, and head spin. I remember brushing it off with a laugh and uttering the words “I love it” but deep within I felt the lowest I’ve ever felt. Here I was owning my natural hair and everything about even daring to cut my hair, but yet the closest one to me stabbed me dead in the heart.
After a few years of feeling unwanted, unloved, and underappreciated I re-relaxed my hair (2015). I did it in hopes to be found beautiful to the one my heart desired yet and still nothing!
“Stick and stones may break my bones but words would never hurt me” LIES! Words hurt, sting, and can never be taken back.
BUT your confidence can be reclaimed, your self-worth rebuilt, and your smile renewed. It’s 2018 and it took me some time but I did it! I got back to me! I big chopped and tore down every word of defeat, every thought that lingered in my ear of being “ugly with natural hair”, and every word replayed of “it looks hideous”! Because in actuality the only thing hideous is not accepting me for all of me regardless of what anyone else thinks! How unfair of me to base my self-worth, value, and feeling beautiful on the shoulders of another when my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ thinks the world of me! He formed me perfectly from the crown of my head to the sole of my feet. Each hair is numbered and He finds me simply beautiful!
Welcome to Cisa 2.0! As my little cousin rightfully name it!